How Come You Can’t Come?
You might be surprised to hear that a lot of men have difficulty reaching orgasm and ejaculating during intercourse. In fact, I estimate about one man in twelve has difficulty ejaculating.
Even more surprisingly, many of these men can’t orgasm at all during sexual intercourse.
These men are experiencing delayed ejaculation. This is all about problems reaching orgasm or being unable to ejaculate during sexual intercourse. (And occasionally during masturbation, too.)
Many people think the most common problem men have during sexual intercourse is coming too quickly. So it may seem baffling that there are healthy men who either can’t ejaculate at all, or have difficulty doing so.
And this condition isn’t much talked about, either, because there can be quite a bit of shame attached to it. Imagine the idea of a man not being able to “finish” during lovemaking! What on earth could cause that?
So here’s a video that introduces the whole subject. It’s worth watching if you’re a man with delayed ejaculation, or the partner of a man who is having trouble in this area.
Video about men who have difficulty ejaculating
As you can imagine, delayed ejaculation is not just a problem for men – it’s a problem for the women who they love.
After all, the very visible evidence of a man reaching his climax during lovemaking is proof for a woman that she is attractive, that she can turn her man on, that she can get him aroused, and that she can make him orgasm.
For many women, the sensations involved in having their partner climax inside them is most enjoyable, both emotionally and physically. Not experiencing this may be difficult for a woman.
And if a couple want a baby, and the man isn’t able to reach orgasm during intercourse, well, you can see this may really cause challenges within their relationship.
Even so, men may put up with delayed ejaculation for years before they seek help – and many men never do.
But Is Delayed Ejaculation A New Problem?
No, but it’s really only come to the attention of the wider public because of the Internet. You see, forums devoted to less common medical conditions like this one have helped people get together and compare notes. And that’s gradually helped us to understand that delayed ejaculation is much more common than you might think.
In general if you look at these forums, you’ll see what sex therapists already understand about men with delayed ejaculation (DE for short): about 95% of men with DE have far less difficulty ejaculating during masturbation than they do during intercourse. And there are plenty of men who can’t come at all during intercourse.
Faced with this situation, it’s no wonder that men don’t talk about it much, and perhaps no surprise that they don’t seek help – after all, where would you go, as a man, to admit that you can’t even climax during intercourse?
Definition Of Delayed Orgasm and Ejaculation
Exactly what constitutes delayed ejaculation? How long is long (talking about duration of intercourse), and how slow is slow (talking about time to male ejaculation)?
The normal average time of intercourse before men reach orgasm is four and a half minutes. From one point of view, anything over this makes you slower than average. But of course, there will naturally be around 50% of the male population who take longer than average to come. That’s simple mathematics. So taking over 4.5 minutes to orgasm doesn’ t mean you have DE!
The time of intercourse is measured as “intravaginal ejaculatory latency time”. This is the time it takes a man to reach orgasm and ejaculate after he’s penetrated his partner.
So at what point does long intercourse become “delayed ejaculation”? (Sometimes called retarded ejaculation, by the way.)
To some extent it’s a matter of judgement, but most therapists would agree that if a man can’t ejaculate within 15 to 20 minutes of starting to make love, then there’s something unusual going on.
However, the definition also needs to include something about the level of sexual stimulation that a man is receiving.
After all, there probably isn’t a man on the planet who’s tried to make love when he’s not been particularly sexually aroused, and in those circumstances it might not be entirely surprising for a man to lose his erection and/or not be able to ejaculate.
And in any case, definitions are all very well, but for a man who has this problem they may be an irrelevance. I mean, if you can’t ejaculate during intercourse, you know about it. If you have great difficulty ejaculating during intercourse, you know about. If you have trouble ejaculating, you know about it.
So the real issue for men with this difficulty is finding a solution that enables them to ejaculate (or come, or cum), in a normal timescale.
As you might expect, over the years a lot of different methods of treatment have been suggested. These range from delving deep into a man’s unconscious to find out if he’s got some kind of problem or emotional issue with women, sex, or intimacy all the way through to hard penile stimulation leading to vaginal insertion at the moment before the man feels he’s going to ejaculate.
What I’ve found over the years is that what will solve the problem for one man may not work for another.
Because of this, the treatment program I’ve devised (click here) covers all possibilities, including ways to deal with sexual dysfunctions which originate in the relationship.
In essence, this delayed ejaculation treatment program provides you with effective sexual techniques that will enable you to come without difficulty during sex.
No matter whether you’re a husband, a partner, or a boyfriend, when you can’t ejaculate during sex, I know you want a solution. If you’re willing to put a little bit of effort into regaining “normal” ejaculatory function, the treatment program on this website can do that for you.
And of course I recognize that you might also be interested in finding out more about the causes of this difficulty in “releasing” during sexual intercourse.
You might want to learn more about sex, how you feel about intimacy, what might be going on in your relationship, and the emotional dynamics involved in such a fundamental male issue as delayed ejaculation.
So the information on this website and in the treatment program is designed to give you all of that and more. And it works! 96% of the men who try it will find that they can significantly improve their sexual performance so they no longer experience any delays or slowness in ejaculating.
Delayed Ejaculation Is Not Your Fault!
Ian Kerner is a leading sex therapist who’s written a lot about delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation. His grasp of the issues affecting men’s sexual experience is second to none.
In an interview with the Today online magazine, Kerner said that he’s seen a significant increase in the number of men trying to cope with DE.
And that includes not only men who can’t reach orgasm during lovemaking, but also men who can’t achieve orgasm at all, ever.
Unsurprisingly, the Internet has been a big forum for spreading information about DE so in part this apparent increase could be the result of better reporting and greater awareness.
But … there’s more to it than that, and in a discussion with Dr Michael Perelman, Kerner tried to get to the bottom of what was going on.
Kerner suggested that the number of cases of delayed ejaculation is rising for several reasons.
One of the most obvious reasons is that more medication which causes delayed ejaculation is being used more often.
This includes antidepressants and anti-hypertensives; many of these compounds can have the side-effect of slowing ejaculation or even making it difficult to ejaculate to even impossible to ejaculate at all.
He also made the interesting point that drugs like Viagra may make a man think he’s turned on because he has a hard and long-lasting erection, when in fact he’s not even very aroused.
And clearly if you’re not really sexually aroused then you’re not likely to reach orgasm or ejaculate any time soon.
And it’s certainly true that the many men with delayed ejaculation have no difficulty at all keeping an erection — they just simply don’t seem to be very sexually aroused.
For many women, the sight of an erection implies that a man is sexually excited and ready for sex, However, this is not true. The idea that a hard penis means a man is ready for sex is simply wrong.
Just as women need to be aroused emotionally and psychologically, so do men. Especially as they get older.
There’s another interesting and subtle factor causing an increase in the amount of delayed ejaculation. The number of men around the age of 50 is increasing rapidly, and men naturally begin to slow down, sexually, around 50 years of age.
Obviously if you have more men reaching the age at which you have more men experiencing sexual dysfunction, then it looks like the prevalence of sexual dysfunction, including delayed ejaculation, is increasing. But – as always – there’s more to it than this.
An increasing number of men seem to have trouble ejaculating because of increasing levels of shame and guilt. So although we look like we’re becoming more liberated as a society, there may be some hidden issue here.
Society and Sex; Delays Abound
For example, boys may be brought up in very orthodox religions where masturbation is frowned upon. In many cultures, sex outside of marriage is forbidden. Men may grow up in a family environment where is sex is shameful, guilt-ridden, taboo, embarrassing, or not talked about (or a million other issues).
All of these things can cause shame and guilt and stop men from learning about the natural expression of male sexuality, both mentally and emotionally.
Later in life, when they become sexually active, these men simply don’t develop the arousal necessary to reach orgasm.
Harsh Masturbation Can Cause Ejaculation Problems
Some boys develop unusual (“idiosyncratic”) masturbation styles that require a lot of friction and pressure to achieve orgasm.
As you may imagine, this is a very potent training method — that is to say, a potent training in how not to reach orgasm and ejaculate, because hard masturbation feels so different to being stimulated by a real person.
This is a great picture, isn’t it? It sums up traumatic masturbatory syndrome perfectly. That means hard and fast self-stimulation.
What else did Perelman mention?
He talked briefly about men who are in relationship with women who want to have a child when the man is ambivalent about it.
Clearly this can be a significant relationship problem.
When the couple don’t talk about this it’s almost certain there will be problems ahead, because a lack of communication appears to be one of the major factors behind the current rise in delayed ejaculation.
Perelman also talked about the way that men are socialized to be in control and not express their feelings.
He said that control issues frequently play a role in delayed ejaculation: effectively you’re looking at a man who seems to have trouble “letting go” and experiencing pleasure, perhaps not just in sex, but in life in general.
Another male attitude that promotes delayed ejaculation is seeing sex as a kind of responsibility or even a chore, something you have to do “to be a man”.
Men who have feel like this may never fully immerse themselves in their sensual experience.
Other men, it seems, somehow never learn the art of using their mind in a way that can enhance their sexual arousal — perhaps because in the past they’ve always been able to rely on physical stimulation to get them hard and sexually aroused.
Many of the men who have delayed ejaculation will probably not have an awareness of the fact that they’re mentally disconnected from sex.
Factors Affecting Ejaculation Speed
Unfortunately, as men age, physical stimulation tends to be much less effective at generating an erection, so that men may panic at what seems to be a loss of sexual potency, or they may turn to drugs that are erection enhancing.
In either case, they really need to be working on their level of mental arousal and increasing the level of stimulation they are experiencing so they can fully immerse themselves in sexual activity.
Of course, doing this helps a man to be sexually connected to his partner; conversely, when men aren’t aware of these things, they are missing out on the sexual experience in many different and subtle ways — all of which can contribute to ejaculatory delay or difficulty in reaching the point of orgasm and ejaculation.
Obviously delayed ejaculation isn’t a simple condition, but it does have some straightforward aspects. What we can say is that all the aspects of the problem merge together to produce a unique reason why an individual man has trouble ejaculating during lovemaking.
Of course the important question in Kerner’s mind was what men could do if they are experiencing any difficulty with delayed ejaculation.
Kerner’s quick tips if you can’t come:
1) Focus on foreplay – in particular, focus on the mental aspects of foreplay. Simply having an erection is not adequate proof that you are turned on. Indeed, even with a harden and long-lasting erection, a man may not be sufficiently aroused either physically or psychosexually (that just means in the mind) to achieve orgasm during intercourse.
And if a man is using Viagra, well, that’s especially likely to be true. As Perelman puts it, “blood may be flowing into his penis, but sex may not be flowing into his mind”. Master of the snappy quote, Perelman also said that “obtaining and maintaining an erection requires both friction and fantasy”. Seriously, you need much more of both of those things as you get older.
2) Check out your general medical health.
I think this is less of a factor, but it’s certainly true that delayed ejaculation can sometimes indicate a problem in the body. For example, that may mean degenerative disease of the nervous system, possibly occlusion of the blood vessels due to fatty deposits, or the use of antidepressants or antihypertensives.
All of these can contribute to delayed ejaculation. In addition, it’s worth having your prostate checked, and considering whether or not any medication you being prescribed for benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) may be interfering with ejaculation. Apparently alpha blockers sometimes do this.
3) Slow down your masturbation.
Or, rather, take a break from it if you’re finding that both sex and masturbation is demanding too much of you. You can’t cope with the same level of sexual “release” at the age of 50 that you did 20 or even 30.
Your refractory period – that’s the time between erections – will increase as you age, and so will your latency period – which is the time it takes you to get to “the point of no return” – as you get older.
4) Now we come to a contentious issue – pornography.
I’ve heard many men talk about porn in all kinds of ways, usually defending it, probably because it’s so addictive and stimulating.
And it’s true that porn does come (no pun intended) in many different forms, and serves many different purposes. Arguably the more romantic and sensual porn which depicts sex in respectful and consensual relationships, and shows men and women enjoying orgasmic pleasure in a truly consensual setting is a great aid to eroticism.
However, the problem is that much porn depicts a totally unrealistic sexual performance by men, a sexual performance so different to that of the average man that it represents a totally unrealistic “sexpectation” (Perelman again).
Now, the problem here is that when there’s a big difference between what you can actually achieve during sex with a partner and the sex that you have in your fantasy life (or when you’re watching porn), you’re likely to experience some problems – and delayed ejaculation is the most common of them.
Porn stimulates anxiety, it stimulates unrealistic expectations, and it causes a man to feel inadequate in and out of bed.
And when a man feels inadequate, he becomes anxious, and anxiety can certainly be a cause of delayed ejaculation. At the very least, it makes it worse.
You see, comparing yourself with the men who appear in porn films, and the way they behave during sex, can make you feel unattractive, sexually inadequate, and believe that you’re not measuring up in the way that society, your fellow men, and even your partner expects.
(Problem is, she doesn’t, at least not 99% of the time. And did you ever ask her what she expects of you in sex?)
But relationships with delayed ejaculation often involve poor communication, so a man and his partner are not likely to talk about this, either.
5) Engage in better communication.
Whatever the problem you have in your relationship, whether you’re feeling anxiety or anger, or a lack of attraction, or boredom with your sex life, or a low level of sexual desire… it may be causing or contributing to delayed ejaculation.
Of course things change over time – everything does: your relationships, sex, people, you, your job, your world, your maturity, your health… all these things, and everything else besides, change over time.
And not talking about the issues that change produces will get you nowhere because you will effectively be having sex based on the expectations and beliefs that you held about yourself, about your partner, and about sex, many years before.
Video – good communication
Good communication between partners, husbands, wives and boyfriends and girlfriends when a man cannot come during sex is essential.
Perelman also said that men with delayed ejaculation generally have high levels of relationship distress, a lot of sexual dissatisfaction, anxiety about sexual performance, and very often more general health issues too.
So really, this is all about emotional awareness.
It’s about knowing that you have to step out beyond the boundaries of yourself and your own emotional and psychological world.
It’s about knowing you have to engage in a constructive way with your partner and educate yourself about the changes that will happen to you and your body as you get older.
And of course it’s also about adapting the way you respond to sexual stimulation as you age.