Possible Strategies To Avoid The Embarrassment Of Sexual Dysfunction And Overcome Premature Ejaculation
A young man’s pleas for help around premature ejaculation – and what causes it?
A man nearing his thirties went to the internet medical forums to ask some questions about how he could overcome premature ejaculation. He says:
I have experimented with many things to delay my orgasm and ejaculation, including extended foreplay and lots of oral attention to my partner’s clitoris so she reaches a powerful climax before me, but that has never satisfied my desire to be a good lover.
I am really perturbed by the fact that I cannot last longer than three minutes in bed. When I’m masturbating, I can make a session last for as long as thirty minutes before I ejaculate, and I don’t think it is expecting too much to last for the same length of time during sexual intercourse.
I don’t last very long when I make love before I ejaculate but I can last just about as long as I want when I masturbate. In my previous sexual relationship, I discovered that during regular sex with the help of the stop / start technique to deal with premature ejaculation, the longest period of time I could continue making love before I ejaculated would a mere three minutes or so.
As you can see I have much more control when I am enjoying masturbation than when I am making love. Incidentally, I still have my foreskin, which I keep over my glans penis during lovemaking.
Even so, after penetration, my penis appears to be so sensitive that the merest feel of the warmth and wetness of my partner’s vagina makes it inevitable that I will ejaculate fairly quickly.
There have been many occasions when I have ejaculated just after making a few penile thrusts. And I am embarrassed to admit that more than once, just entering her has made me ejaculate, and so has withdrawing in an attempt to lower my level of sexual arousal.
Now, here’s the problem: I am beginning a sexual relationship and although we have discussed the possibility of making love, we have not yet taken that step. There’s no doubt that sex will rear its head soon, so to speak, and when it does, I want to give my girlfriend the best possible sexual experience. I care about her a lot, and want her to have the same sexual pleasure that I do.
How could I make my penis less sensitive so that I don’t ejaculate as quickly, while still getting the same level of sexual pleasure form intercourse with her, and perhaps even allowing her to enjoy an orgasm during intercourse? In other words, how can I control premature ejaculation that really does what it claims to?
The way I see it, if she is completely ready and highly aroused before I enter her, we may be able to ensure she has an orgasm during the time my penis is in her vagina and I am thrusting.
She may even come in less than two minutes. This is more or less equivalent to getting her on the brink of orgasm and then sticking my penis into her so that as she begins to come, I ejaculate and we reach orgasm together.
That’s OK I suppose, but it would be much better to be able to make love for as long as we wanted before I ejaculate, so it’s really a system of complete ejaculatory control that I am looking for. I have even tried masturbating before we make love, but all that does is make me less firmly erect when we do have penetrative sex, and that just produces more anxiety and makes me come even faster!
The first answer comes from a woman who says:
I think you are a caring lover who obviously wants his partner to have great sexual pleasure, and you seem to be doing it all Ok from my point of view. Most women, I think, would like a man to bring them to orgasm and then take his own pleasure rather than have a man who is just selfish, enters, thrusts, ejaculates, and then leaves the woman hanging before orgasm, unfulfilled and unpleasured.
Video – What Causes Premature Ejaculation ?
Believe me, I don’t want a guy thrusting away in my vagina for ages without coming – I would much rather have an orgasm by oral sex or mutual masturbation, then have him come in me, even if he doesn’t last very long, because that way we are both satisfied and I can enjoy the feeling of having his cock in me after I have climaxed.
This way you can avoid all difficulties associated with your “quick fire” ejaculatory responses.
It’s really good to have a sexual partner who enjoys foreplay and then knows how to pleasure a woman sexually before taking pleasure himself. If a man indulges me with lost of sexual attention, I will do all I can to make his time in bed with me really rewarding, and all this says to me is that premature ejaculation is not so much a problem as a condition to be worked around.
It is something a couple can work into their love play and which really doesn’t affect the degree of sexual pleasure which a couple get from sex if they both accept that the guy is going to ejaculate quickly.
In any case, once the excitement of a new relationship has reduced, and you begin to know each other’s bodies better, you may find that the time for which you can last before you ejaculate increases anyway.
And as time goes by you may find that you last longer in bed each time you try having intercourse – and as you are giving her y of pleasure by masturbation or oral sex, it won’t matter how long you last.
I know they say men tend to lose interest in sex after they have ejaculated, but if you can, go back and give her more attention after you have come – that way, you will be her sexual hero!
I know men get very uptight about premature ejaculation, and I can understand why, wanting to look like a good lover, and so on, but the reality is that it is much more of a problem for men than women! Best, Emily.
Laci Greene on Premature Ejaculation
Another reader, again a woman, replies:
Most women are actually very excited that a man finds them so sexually attractive that he can’t hold prevent himself ejaculating – it’s actually quite a compliment, you know! And most women love being intimate, not necessarily enjoying penetrative sex as much as men – often the pleasure they get from it is often about seeing their man happy.
And that makes me wonder if you know how few women actually reach a climax through penetration and thrusting – it’s not many, you know. I wonder if you have discussed all this with your girl, or are you just assuming that she will want certain things from you?
And on a practical level, have you thought about using a condom? A condom may reduce the amount of sensitivity in your penis so that you don’t come quite as quickly.
And above all, talk to her – you know that good communication is essential in any relationship, so that one person isn’t making assumptions about what the other wants…..and that is especially true when it comes to first time sex, because she will most likely be feeling just as insecure as you do.
The man who raised the questions writes back:
I agree with much of what you say, but there are several points which some up for me. First, yes, I do know that few women come during intercourse but I also believe that the ones who have experienced it want that to happen more, and I think it is a delightful idea for the man and women to achieve simultaneous orgasm.
I have heard it said that this is not important and that it even distracts from the enjoyment of intercourse. Well, maybe, but then again, what could distract more from the the enjoyment of sex than premature ejaculation, even if the only person it leaves unsatisfied is the man? I hear what you are saying about rapid ejaculation not mattering to most women, but it matters to me, and that is why I want to do something about it.
Finding out how to prevent premature ejaculation is essential to me.
A doctor specializing in the condition replies:
I don’t actually think there is a problem here, and it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself for not being able to last longer in bed.
First of all, the basic problem in discussing the subject is that everyone has their own idea of what actually constitutes premature ejaculation. And those who sell products devoted to curing premature ejaculation obviously have a vested interest in making it seem a bigger issue that it might be for some men at least!
So let’s begin by defining it. I think one definition of premature ejaculation which is useful is that a man comes before either he or his partner wish him to do so.
The good thing about this definition is that it takes account of the possibility that a man might not always come in the same length of time – sometimes sooner, sometimes slower, and that the pleasure he and his partner get from sex varies according to each sexual experience.
Only if they are consistently dissatisfied with the sex they are having can they really begin to think of his rapid ejaculation as a problem. And what about you? It sounds to me like you are thinking more of your lover than you are about yourself, and while you ensure she has great pleasure, you don’t allow yourself to enjoy your orgasm as much as you might because you are being too self-critical.
The most important issue might be something different to how quickly you ejaculated – it might be how much you and your girlfriend enjoyed the experience.
Video – Therapy For Premature Ejaculation
Here are some definitions of premature ejaculation from the internet:
The findings made by Kinsey over 50 years ago were that 3 out of 4 men lasted only 2 minutes or less between penetration and ejaculation on about 50% of all the occasions they made love. Which means that your performance, though it may not satisfy you, is better than average.
More recent research suggests for a man between 18 and 30 years old, sex lasts on average about 5 or 6 minutes; which means half of all these men would be ejaculating before six minutes had gone by and the other half after six minutes.
- Shere Hite recorded that an astonishing twenty percent of men routinely ejaculate within one minute of penetration, and sixty percent ejaculate within six minutes. It begins to look as though sex is not actually meant to last very long from a biological perspective!
- An article at AskMen.com recorded that the average man reaches the point of his orgasm and ejaculation in less than three minutes from the moment of penetration.
- CoolNurse.com has also recorded the same figures of less than three minutes between ejaculation and penetration.
Finally, consider this piece on treating premature ejaculation adapted from “Sex And Relationships”:
Definition of premature ejaculation
- There is no widely agreed definition of what constitutes premature ejaculation. However, think of it as the inability of a man to determine the point at which he ejaculates, so he basically comes too soon in relation to his own expectations, or the desires and wishes of his partner.
- So what distresses one individual and seems like coming so fast a man needs to delay his ejaculation may be totally fine with the next man and his partner.
- Indeed, research has shown that the time between penetration and ejaculation bears little relationship to the way a man describes himself (i.e. as having premature ejaculation or not). If you wish to overcome this problem, try cognitive behavioral treatment.
As we all know, the excitement of a new relationship means you are almost certain to come sooner than you want to do and ejaculate faster than you would like.
The novelty factor of having a new partner whose sexual responses are unknown to you and whose body is a new and exciting thing makes you more aroused and quicker off the mark during sex. In addition, there is an inevitable degree of anxiety associated with sex with a new partner, and anxiety is notorious for prompting a faster ejaculation.
If you can last for as long as you describe when you are masturbating, by using some kind of stop start technique, whereby you periodically reduce the level of stimulation you are getting – and don’t forget this requires quite a bit of self-discipline – you might wish to apply the same level of self-control and sexual self-discipline to your sexual activities with a partner.
This may be harder, since there are different pressures on you when you are having sex with a partner, but you can still practice stopping and starting every time your arousal gets too high.
It is having the self control not to continue thrusting which is essential, since you mentioned that you were a lazy lover and thought you might be tempted to continue until you ejaculate.
There is also the possibility of using masturbation as an aid to prolonging the time for which you can last during sex, by, for example, masturbating before you have sex or having her bring you off before you enter her. That will almost certainly help you last longer during sex. You must remember to be as attentive to her after you have come as you would have been if you had not!
I’d also like to mention the possibility that you could use a desensitizing cream. Although these heave got a bit of bad press, they can actually be useful. If you numb your penis with one and then allow the cream to dry, before washing your penis, you will not desensitize your partner’s vagina, but you may find you can last longer. Try it, at any rate – but don’t deprive yourself of the sexual pleasure that is your right. If you find the sensations of your orgasm are significantly reduced, this may not be the best way to deal with your rapid ejaculation. Bear in mind that being bale to last a long time when you wank does not mean anything about whether or not you are conditioned to come quickly during intercourse.
In any event you do sound like a caring lover and provided you can establish better communication about this with your prospective sexual partners, you should be able to overcome your preconceived notions about how long sex should last and what a man has to do during sex to be a good lover!
Other responses from readers – all of them women:
I used to have a lover who used those desensitizing creams on his glans penis – after he had put them on he wore a condom, so that none of the cream got into my vagina. That worked really well for us.
I just want to reinforce that the majority of women do not reach orgasm through thrusting during intercourse.
Having massive “staying power” is not important for most women – and indeed, they don’t actually like prolonged thrusting in the vagina . They want short lived thrusting when they are very aroused and may actually reach orgasm from it.
The only issue of importance is whether sex was good for you both and if not, what to do about it. Stop thinking that the length of time for which you can thrust makes sex good. It doesn’t. Start thinking about things like intimacy, connection, spiritual progress through advanced sex, and not performance anxiety.
Stop worrying about premature ejaculation. Your anxiety is getting in the way of good sex.
Responses from the original questioner.
I am sure my partner could have found nothing to complain about. My point is that premature ejaculation every so often may be no big deal, but every time we have sex, it becomes embarrassing, and if she gets excited during penetration and wants hard thrusting for a longer time, then I can’t do it.
Good ejaculatory control isn’t an option for a good lover, it’s essential. I certainly don’t just want to thrust for half an hour without any pleasure for either of us, but I want good sex with intimacy and emotional connection. Being a longer lasting lover gives one more options and makes this easier.
I am glad to hear that you don’t think I am going to be judged by my performance in bed, and this has taken some pressure off me. Meanwhile, I would like to try the creams to apply to my glans to make me a bit less sensitive to sexual stimulation! I think you all for your advice and for putting things into perspective.