Restoring The Power To Ejaculate
Delayed ejaculation can be caused by several issues.
First of all, maybe a man who’s unable to ejaculate is simply not getting enough stimulation during sex to take him to the “point of no return”. (That’s the point a man knows he’s going to come and nothing will stop him. This is also known as the point of ejaculatory inevitability.)
This idea came from the founders of modern sex therapy Masters and Johnson and, some years later, was developed by sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan.
If the idea is correct, then the amount of sexual stimulation a man’s receiving must be somehow increased so that he can reach his ejaculation threshold.
Or maybe, for some reason a man needs a higher than “normal” level of stimulation to reach his point of no return.
In either case, the way to overcome delayed ejaculation is to find more ways to get the man more aroused. And if you can have him respond more to the sexual stimulation he’s getting, then that will help him “come” as well.
Now you might be wondering if emotional challenges around sex, maybe some internal emotional or psychic conflict, could be a part of this problem.
And the answer, obviously, is yes. Many things can stop a man getting aroused during sexual intercourse. Things like anger with women, anxiety about sex, fear of commitment, and many more such issues. They can all play a part in making a man unable to ejaculate.
Kaplan combined both ideas. She said that the apparent cause of problems reaching orgasm might be inadequate stimulation or lack of arousal. At the same time, a man’s inability to reach the point of no return could be caused by by more profound subconscious conflicts. I’m sure she’s right, too.
That’s why my self-help treatment program can deal with both issues. First, it helps increase your sexual arousal through new techniques of sexual stimulation. Second, it also helps you resolve any emotions and feelings which might be causing you to have a very long-delayed ejaculation during sex. You can find it at the top right hand column of this page.
How Can You Get To Your “Point Of No Return” More Easily?
How can you do this? Masturbate harder and more fiercely, perhaps? Have your partner do that for you?
Well, perhaps. But you might think that “treatment” for delayed ejaculation which involves a high level of vigorous stimulation to the penis won’t work. After all, it’s not a gentle, sensual experience! It doesn’t express love either, in the way intercourse can.
But the thing is, some men really can be stimulated enough by vigorous masturbation and other sexual activities which they find exciting, so that they can eventually ejaculate inside their partner.
Somehow, increasing sexual arousal in this way seems to produce a kind of “breaking of the barrier” for some men. After that they can ejaculate inside their partner with much less difficulty.
Maybe this is an outward sign of a man overcoming deeper emotional issues in his feelings and attitudes towards women.
Or maybe, having come inside a woman once, a man’s mindset is changed so that whatever was stopping him ejaculating inside her before no longer has any power over him.
So as you can see, this approach to overcoming problems with ejaculation during intercourse assumes that a man is not receiving enough sexual stimulation – in either quality or quantity – to reach his “point of no return”. That means he is not able to ejaculate.
The idea is that if the level of sexual stimulation can be increased enough, then he will be able to ejaculate.
But what if his ejaculatory threshold is higher than normal?
Maybe so high as to make reaching climax very difficult?
The answer is still the same: find ways to get him more excited.
One way is to use toys, role plays, or bring things a man fantasizes about into the bedroom. Another is to increase bodily stimulation. You could, for example, stimulate or ask your partner to stimulate your prostate, anus, nipples, scrotum and perineum. These are all are very sensitive to touch and so this can be very arousing.
My treatment program explains all the ways you can cure delayed ejaculation at home. See it here.
Delayed Ejaculation And Low Sexual Desire
This is an alternative way of explaining delayed ejaculation. Basically a man might not be able to ejaculate because he has a low level of sexual desire.
Bernard Apfelbaum* came up with this “desire-deficit” idea. He thought delayed ejaculation is a problem with sexual excitement. And the “problem” is that the man has a low level of sexual desire.
That’s true even if he has a hard erection. The fact that he looks aroused my cause him and his partner to assume there is something wrong with his sexual ability or sexual performance.
Apfelbaum strongly opposed the “almost aggressive attack” on the penis – i.e. the use of vigorous stimulation which we described above – to try and overcome the problem when a husband can’t ejaculate during intercourse.
No wonder! Any kind of intense stimulation like that may be felt as harsh and uncomfortable by a man. And when used as “treatment” to get over the problem when a woman’s husband or boyfriend can’t ejaculate during sex, his anxiety around sex may increase, not decrease.
Another aspect of that old-fashioned treatment was “forcing” a man to ejaculate during intercourse inside a woman’s vagina by using hard and hand fast stimulation before penetration as he was about to release.
The problem here is that – even if it works – this doesn’t help a man understand the lack of sexual arousal and desire he’s feeling.
Nor does it help a man understand and take responsibility for the underlying factors that lie behind his delayed ejaculation.
Apfelbaum his treatment approach “counter-bypassing”. To start with, treatment is aimed at helping a man feel and understand his lack of sexual desire and arousal during intercourse.
You see, many men with a slow or late ejaculation do have some deeper issues at work. For example, they often put their partner’s pleasure before their own. They cannot be “selfish” during sex.
Apfelbaum says that the long-lasting erections of a man with delayed ejaculation do not indicate he’s aroused. In fact, they are more a sign of his lack of desire and excitement. And that’s especially true when his problems with ejaculation are specific to one partner.
Here, delayed ejaculation may be the result of inhibited arousal and desire towards a particular sexual partner or even sexual intercourse itself.
But as always, such a desire deficit is only one part of other, deeper, unconscious issues which need to be uncovered and treated.
Bernard Apfelbaum thought it might be helpful to adapt ways of helping women who have anorgasmia for men with delayed ejaculation.
For example, instead of thinking of the man as being unable to give during sex (that is, unable to “give” his ejaculation and orgasm), we should try thinking of the man as unable to take sexual pleasure.
And we should also honor the man’s strong desire to please his lover, his desire to be in control, and his perfectionism.
Uh? What’s that, you ask? Well, men who cannot achieve orgasm during sex are often unable to take, to be selfish, or to have orgasms “for themselves”: for them, satisfying their partner is all-important.
Men may quickly get an erection, but usually do not ask for or receive additional stimulation. This means they try to enjoy sex – and reach orgasm – with low levels of sexual arousal.
This means they prevent their own orgasm and they can’t ejaculate inside their partner.
The right thing here is to help men see they are not trying to achieve an orgasm “for their partner” but for themselves.
Many women are locked in this belief system too. They also need to be encouraged to accept that their partner’s delayed ejaculation is not a form of rejection. In fact, all it means is that he is trying “too hard” to have an orgasm for her.
Apfelbaum’s approach is about encouraging a man with delayed ejaculation to express his feelings, so that he can become aware of his lack of arousal.
When that happens, he can overcome the pressure he feels to perform sexually in certain ways.
And when a man sees that he is not really responsible for his partner’s pleasure, this opens the door to a new understanding of sex. Then he can use new and more exciting thoughts, feelings and behaviors to get aroused more easily.
To regain “normal” sexual function, you need to deal with several different things – behaviors, thoughts and feelings all play a part here.
So in my program for overcoming delayed ejaculation, which you can find on this website, I explain all these different angles. I give you emotional insights as well showing you techniques which will give you a better way of loving, one which can bring you to a normal climax during intercourse!
How to overcome delayed ejaculation – made simple.
1) Increase Intimacy
You can use mutual pleasuring techniques to increase verbal and physical intimacy, and overcome inhibition and sexual isolation.
2) Understand How Aroused You Are
An “automatic” erection does not prove you’re ready to have sex. Your sexual arousal may be too low. A good plan is to relax, to enjoy sexual pleasure without pressure to come. You can discover ways to get to your point of no return – the natural end point of sexual arousal – more easily, and so find out how to reach orgasm quicker.
3) Ask For What You Want During Sex
As treatment for delayed ejaculation proceeds, a man learns to be more direct in his requests for stimulation and starts to enjoy erotic feelings. By being more “selfish”, he will get more aroused and is more likely to enjoy an orgasm during sex.
4) Use Several Forms Of Stimulation
Use different sexual techniques to increase your arousal and trigger your orgasm and ejaculation. This might include fantasy, stimulation of the scrotum or anus, nipple and breast play, and more..
5) Find Your Orgasm Triggers
These vary from person to person, but you can find many of your own by seeing what you fantasize about during masturbation. Ensure you are aroused before you start making love. There are many ways of getting more stimulation and arousal: to enjoy sexual fantasies during partner sex, to stimulate the testes, perineum, anus and nipples are just some of these. Each man can discover his individual orgasm triggers.
6) Form An Intimate “Team” With Your Partner
If you are really intimate and connected to your partner, you’ll feel a lot less performance pressure. And helping each other enjoy pleasure produces more intimacy. This overcomes your inhibitions, and makes you feel connected with your partner. This is crucial to overcoming delayed ejaculation.
7) Remember An Erection Can Deceive!
A hard erection does not mean you are ready for intercourse. You may need to be more aroused.
So be direct when asking your partner for sexual stimulation. This will let you enjoy your erotic feelings more. And then you are more likely to enjoy high levels of arousal that will take you to orgasm.
The need to be selfish, to seek out your own pleasure, is a key factor in overcoming late ejaculation.
8) Only Make Love When You’re Ready!
Do not initiate sexual intercourse until you’re aroused! Work out what will turn you on enough to enjoy sex to completion.
9) Be Open About Your Deepest Desires
If you and your partner have a boring sexual life, and an inhibited attitude to sex, bring some of your hidden and dark sexual shadows into the light! This can really make your sex lives more vibrant, flowing and exciting.
10) Be Selfish
Men with delayed ejaculation often show too much concern for their partner. Change the focus of your attention onto your pleasure. It’s exciting to discover new erotic worlds!
Try and imagine being completely self-centered in sex, with no need to think of your partner, and ask yourself “What would be an ideal sexual scenario for you if anything was possible?”
*Principles And Practice Of Sex Therapy, edited by Leiblum and Rosen, Third Edition, New York: Guilford Press, 2000.