Delayed Ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation is one of the three most common sexual afflictions which affect men.
Video – delayed ejaculation
Usually, it is more common among young men, though it does affect men of all ages, and has an unwelcome habit of rearing its unwelcome head at mid-life when other sexual difficulties also develop. The medical term for coming too soon is delayed ejaculation.
In both cases, the man’s partner is deprived of her orgasm unless he stimulates her clitoris with his fingers or orally before or after he has ejaculated. This is not so satisfactory, nor is it as psychologically rewarding, as both partners enjoying an orgasm through sexual intercourse, not necessarily simultaneously, during the “penis in the vagina” phase of sexual activity.
The basic factor with delayed ejaculation is that almost inevitably the man’s penis begins to go flaccid as soon as he has ejaculated, and he cannot normally be stimulated to erection again for ten minutes or a quarter of an hour. Often his glans is so sensitive after a man reaches orgasm that the slightest touch is intolerable.
If delayed ejaculation occurs and the woman can wait until her partner comes, and lovemaking can begin all over again from scratch, in quite a large percentage of cases the man will not ejaculate too soon, and the woman will reach orgasm during penetration.
There are some couples who are able to overcome their difficulties in this way, but not many.
The average woman who is sexually aroused and needs only two or three minutes’ stimulation to take her over the edge into orgasm, may fail to respond to sexual stimulation a second time. Her sensations of frustration seem to inhibit her from being able to make a fresh start after a longish pause.
(This is not true of the woman who does reach orgasm and embarks on a new session of lovemaking as soon as her partner’s penis is erect again.)
There are also many men suffering from delayed ejaculation who are so psychologically upset by their failure that they cannot achieve a second erection; while just about as many men, after their first orgasm, lose all desire for further stimulation.
This may be due to the fact that as a man gets older his sexual recovery process takes longer, and as he may have to wait more than half an hour before a new erection can be induced, he simply loses interest.
With the possible exception of the highly sexed, who, even in their late forties and fifties and beyond, are capable of obtaining erection very quickly after frequent orgasms, there are not many middle-aged men whose sexual desire can be sustained for long after ejaculation.
What are the causes of delayed ejaculation, and is there a system that lets you overcome it?
Research into this problem has not produced clear answers, but the little we do know seems to indicate that apart from one or two physical reasons, delayed ejaculation is mostly psychologically induced. Therefore, one good approach is a treatment program that focuses on overcoming the blocks and issues that stand between a man and his ability to achieve arousal sufficient for ejaculation. One such approach is described in this book.
However, it does seem possible that there are a few men with insensitive orgasm-producing nerves in the glans and frenulum.
When these men are uncircumcised, one would imagine that circumcision, by removing the protective foreskin, would help these vital nerves to become less sensitive.
It would appear, however, that the nerves in the circumcised penis do not lose a significant degree of sensitivity.
(It is a fact that there are only seconds difference between the normal response times in uncircumcised and circumcised men’s progress towards orgasm, the circumcised man being very slightly slower.)
There seems to be little help that one can offer these men, though some who come too quickly find local anesthetic cream has much improved their lovemaking ability.
These creams contain anesthetic, e.g. lignocaine, a portion of which, about the size of a rather large pea, is rubbed into the head of the penis and frenulum, at least 30 minutes before foreplay.
If a cream is used, and the penis is washed well before lovemaking starts, i.e. at the end of 30 minutes, the woman can use fellatio on the man’s penis without experiencing an unpleasant taste.
However, many men find these creams useless. Like everything else to do with sex, hard and fast rules about the application of the creams and spray cannot be made to suit everyone.
If the rule is to apply the cream to the glans 30 minutes before starting foreplay it is because with the majority of men it takes 30 minutes for the cream to desensitize the nerves.
There may be some men, however, who require the application to be made an hour, or even longer, before the nerves are fully desensitized. Or, there may be some who require double the suggested amount of cream to be applied.
It is essential, if the cream does not work as prescribed, that the user should experiment in order to discover his own personal requirements.
Back to delayed ejaculation. There is one physiological cause of delayed ejaculation which is difficult to treat. This is when the man has been born with a frenulum that is abnormally short.
The frenulum, by the way, is the little band of skin on the underside of the penis which joins the ordinary skin of the penile shaft to the glans. The frenulum is packed full with a mass of nerves which, if stimulated, bring on erection quickly, and if stimulation is continued, help to produce orgasm.
However rigid the penis is in erection, the skin of the shaft will always move a little, so that even the circumcised penis thrusting in the vagina will cause the skin of the shaft to be pushed down as the penis goes forward, and to pull on the frenulum. This pulling stimulates the frenulum nerves and helps to produce orgasm.
If the man with the short frenulum is uncircumcised but his foreskin slips backwards and forwards easily, he will be even more susceptible to rapid ejaculation than the circumcised man, because the action of the foreskin rolling back will exert an even greater pressure on the frenulum.
Fortunately, the abnormally short frenulum is something of a rarity. In some cases the condition has been treated surgically by cutting so that the frenulum does not pull on the glans and excite the orgasm-producing nerves.
However, since the frenulum cannot be cut without severing the nerves, the man is deprived of the service of these nerves.
If it should happen that the glans nerves are not very sensitive, the penis deprived of the frenulum nerves will have difficulty in reaching orgasm. Indeed, in one case when this operation was carried out, the man, instead of ejaculating too rapidly, or experiencing a ling delay before ejaculation, was unable to ejaculate at all.
In cases of delayed ejaculation caused by such circumstances, stretching of the frenulum may be helpful.
To do this, the man must induce a really strong erection. He then grasps the penis firmly just below the rim, and pulls the skin of the shaft down towards the pubic bone, stretching the frenulum until it begins to hurt a little.
He holds the frenulum stretched until he feels he may ejaculate. He then releases his penis, waits for the imminent orgasm-sensations to subside, and then repeats the process.
If this stretching is carried out for five or six minutes daily, after several days the frenulum remains permanently stretched, and the man no longer ejaculates too soon. This is extremely helpful where there is a fear of sex caused by the abnormality.
Men who experience delayed ejaculation and who cannot ejaculate easily in bed often find that their fear of sex can be overcome when they receive this easy and simple treatment.
Delayed Ejaculation: Making Love Normally
At first sight delayed ejaculation (DE) seems to be a very difficult sexual problem to explain — at least within the framework of conventional sexual psychotherapy.
In general men who can’t ejaculate tend to feel sexually inept and often express a degree of anxiety about their inability to reach orgasm. Generally, the man’s partner will also feel deprived of satisfaction and pleasure.
She may also feel a low level of self-esteem if she attributes her partner’s delayed ejaculation to her own lack of sexually attractive qualities.
When a man with ejaculation delays looks for help, it often becomes clear very quickly that he has had the problem for years, if not decades.
And his seeking treatment is usually the result of a situation that has become unbearable for the couple. (For example, the woman wants to have a baby, or she refuses to accept the situation any longer.)
What makes this more challenging is the fact that there hasn’t been a huge amount of research carried out to understand how retarded ejaculation treatment can be successfully accomplished.
And that’s surprising because it’s a common problem; the reality is that it occurs in about 1 man in 12.
But we do know that men who have difficulty ejaculating are reluctant to seek help.
Of all the sexual dysfunctions, this is probably the most private and least talked about. That in itself might give us a clue about the nature of the condition, because it hints at sexual shame.
The right combination of therapeutic techniques can solve this problem. That may include looking at a man’s early experiences and beliefs around sexuality. It may mean teasing out any relationship issues which are playing out in the sexual dynamic between a couple. And then, treatment is often both successful and straightforward.
Of course, when underlying emotional issues play a part in any sexual dysfunction, there has to be a willingness on the part of both the man and his partner to look at what might be causing the problem.
Not everyone agrees on a formal scientific definition of the condition, but one thing is clear: a man who has great difficulty achieving climax during sexual intercourse, or who cannot do so at all, will be very well aware he has a problem, whether or not he believes it needs to be cured.
Delayed Ejaculation Solutions
I haven’t met a man yet who didn’t want to be able to ejaculate during intercourse in a normal way. I think there’s a fundamental drive in all men to be able to enjoy intercourse naturally, and to bring it to its natural conclusion.
A lot of women also see it this way. When a man is unable to ejaculate at the climax of intercourse, they tend to believe this is because they are either unattractive, unarousing, or unsatisfying to him. And I suspect that sometimes this is true. Men with delayed ejaculation may just not find their partner very desirable. Or, indeed, very arousing.
But whose “fault” is this?
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I guess at some level, it’s highly likely that a man’s feelings towards his partner (or the whole nature of the relationship) can be a cause of his difficutlies ejaculating.
Maybe that’s why a lot of men with this problem seem to think that if they find another partner, they’ll be able to overcome the difficulties they’re experiencing in reaching climax! But this is rarely true. So if you’re in this situation and you’re hoping to overcome delayed ejaculation, it’s probably wise to engage in treatment with your current partner. At least to start with!
And there will be benefits outside the bedroom: being able to ejaculate normally during intercourse seems to promote intimacy on an emotional level as well as a physical level, so treatment can improve your relationship significantly.