How To Control Your Responses During Sex

There are some things you can do which will help you to regain control of ejaculation.

We know that the best method which will help you control your delayed ejaculation is sexual therapy – the method described here. But there are also a number of other things you can do which will aid any treatment.

The first one is all about tuning into your body. You must be more aware of your level of arousal, what your body is doing, how you are feeling, and the levels of your emotions such as anxiety. Sexual arousal for both men and women goes through four phases: initial excitement (or arousal), a longer lasting plateau stage, a shorter orgasm and ejaculation phase, and resolution.

In the arousal stage, your erection should normally develop. In the plateau stage, you should feel very aroused, your erection should be hard and full, and you should have a sense of being at the height of your sexual excitement.

After a certain length of time or after you have reached a certain point in the arousal phase (in which your arousal gradually increases) you are ready to ejaculate, and then, after you’ve come, the resolution phase begins, your erection goes down and your respiration returns to normal.

For any cure or treatment of delayed ejaculation problems to work, you need to be emotionally and physically aware of the level of arousal you have reached during each of these four phases. Once you are aware of your level of arousal, you have a much better sense of what your body is doing. This gives you much greater potential to control what happens to it.

Men with DE have often spent a lifetime tuning out the signals that their body is sending them during sex. Instead of listening to feedback from their body which tells them how near or far away from ejaculation they may be, they may rely heavily on fantasy or sexual techniques to reach the point of ejaculation.

If you can enter a state of relaxed awareness of your body, the less important it becomes to have an erection or not. In other words, losing your penis-centered approach to sex takes a level of pressure off you. This will help to increase the chances of you ejaculating when you wish to do so.

Using a system of deep breathing is a good way of remaining relaxed and encouraging further relaxation. As you may know, when you make love, your breathing tends to become much more shallow and fast as you get aroused. Breathing slowly and deeply is a very good way to stay relaxed.

Unfortunately, a lot of men do not understand this and take a lot of shallow breaths. Don’t do this – try and remain relaxed and breathe deeply. You may well be surprised how much effect this can have on your ability to become aroused and erect.

Video – delayed ejaculation

Try and accept stimulation of your penis with a relaxed mind, without becoming tense, and without worrying about whether or not you’ll ejacuate. This will consolidate your ability to remain aroused.

You can train yourself to do this by allowing your partner to pleasure you while you keep focused on your body, not just on your penis. Repeat this several times over a few weeks.

At first, allow your partner to pleasure you while you relax; when you feel ready, repeat the experience, but this time have her rub her vulva over your penis. It’s essential that you remain relaxed while she does this.

Once you have mastered control of your anxiety and you are able to remain relaxed at that level, you can try the same thing with oral pleasure. There isn’t necessarily a very quick way of learning how to stay relaxed during sex, but the more relaxed you remain, the more you will enjoy it.

Treating delayed ejaculation

Video – body awareness during sex

Some other suggestions to gain greater control of your anxiety about delayed ejaculation

The position you use for sex is important, as some positions contribute to a lot of bodily tension, and this exacerbate your anxiety. Try woman top sex positions or side by side positions for greater control.

Release your emotions during sex: for example, make as much noise as you feel you wish to, don’t be inhibited about it, or about expressing your experience. Letting whatever you feel out (rather than keeping it locked in your body) can help to release tension and will therefore help you to stay aroused and relaxed rather than anxious and turned-off.

Don’t get hung up about not ejaculating. That happens even to men who don’t consider they have ejaculation problems. You’re looking to become gradually more relaxed and calm during sex.

Make sure you meet your partner’s needs but don’t spend your entire sexual experience focusing on what she wants. Feeling responsible for your partner’s sexual needs is very stressful, and you can’t be into your own body if your attention is constantly turned outwards towards your partner. Women generally like long-lasting whole body sensuous massage, kissing and fondling.

Men often prefer something shorter and quicker, but if you spread your attention and effort over your whole body, you may find that the pressure to perform largely dissipates, and you may well find you become more erect because of it.

The whole sexual experience is there to be enjoyed. An erection might mean your body is ready for sex, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are emotionally ready for sex. So spend lots of time enjoying foreplay with your partner. Cunnilingus is often a good way for a man to increase his own arousal without pressure – as long as you don’t feel obliged to give your partner an orgasm (and so put more pressure on yourself).

Learn some good sexual techniques. Learn something about her G spot, for example, and how you can best stimulate it. The results are often incredible, because making love to an aroused woman can be the best way of getting aroused yourself. And massaging and kissing your partner can be very erotic acts. If you want to learn more about these techniques, then it’s well worth finding out how you can enjoy sex uninhibitedly and satisfyingly.

Getting out of your head and into your body

I described earlier how it is possible to separate mental arousal and physical arousal. The basic thing you need to do to enjoy sex more is to get out of your head space (mental arousal) and into your body (physical arousal). In other words, to stop thinking, fantasizing, wishing, speculating and imagining, and to start enjoying the sensations your body has to offer you. Here’s an article on this.

This approach also helps to lessen anxiety, since when you focus on the “here and now” – that is to say what is happening to you, and what you are doing, at this very moment. You can’t spend as much time worrying about what might happen (e.g. not ejaculating or experience delayed ejaculation).


Fantasy is not wrong. It’s very exciting, it’s what men do, and it adds spice to our sex lives. Watching a beautiful woman undress and imagining her making love to you, or watching a porn film and imagining what it would be like to be in the place of the actors, and other such fantasies, can be very exciting.

But the point is that when these things and others like them become the primary focus of your sexual arousal, then you might have a problem.

The way you get aroused has become too focused on what you think as opposed to what you feel. In fact you  lose your sense of how aroused you are in your body when you focus too much on what is going in in your mind. This can be a problem when you get older. You may need physical stimulation to get an erection, and you may have simply lost your awareness of this aspect of sex!

What’s more, if you depend on fantasy to get aroused, you leave yourself open to the chances of delayed ejaculation. Suppose you can’t get the right fantasy going at the right moment, or you suddenly think of something that distracts you from your fantasy! You’re basically too busy thinking about your performance to get aroused, be fully in the moment, enjoy the physical sensations of sex, or pay attention to your partner.

For example, if you focus on what it feels like to be caressed by your partner, you won’t be able to worry so much about whether you are going to ejaculate or not.

When you’re enjoying what is happening to your body, you’ll be much less inclined to create your own excitement in your head! The simple fact is this: if you have erection problems, sensate focus will be a reliable and consistently successful way of treating them and getting an erection firm enough for intercourse.

And it may also be a worry to you that without sexual fantasy you’re never going to get erect, let alone be able to ejaculate. The answer to that is that you’re not giving up sexual fantasy completely. Also you’ll soon discover there is a better way to avoid delayed ejaculation: by controlling and being aware of your body as well as being aware of your arousal.